Life & Woes

Niece Car not Nice Car

2009-06-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

Fab New Car

So me niece has passed her driving test. Whoopie, another bloomin' maniac on the road.

She wanted a car so I got her one. A kick-ass high end luxury vehicle. No really, it stalls every few hundred meters and you gotta get out and swear at the damn thing while kicking its rear end!

It's a 10 year old Nissan Almera, or a skip as it's more commonly known as. A big arsed luxuary car without the luxuary. It cost 650 pounds. Yes I know it's a bit expenxive, but this is my neice we're talking about. I wanted to treat her! Besides she paid for it.

Driving home from the dealers, she only decides to see what it's like to crash into the back of somebody else. No biggie, just a damaged light and a scrape on the bumper. Besides it was the other guys fault. He shouldn't have stopped in the middle of the road. So what if the lights were red, eh!

Anyway, I decided to give her a couple of lessons in her 'dull' new car. You know, to get her used to the car. We're driving down this dual carriageway (A406), when all of a sudden she starts applying make-up with one hand.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING" I scream at her, "you can't apply make-up with one hand whilst driving on a busy road". She got the message.

She now uses both hands to apply make-up.

Killer Pot Noodle

2009-05-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

Bombay Bad Boy

I was hungry and the only thing to hand was a 'Bombay Bad Boy pot noodle'. Hmmm, didn't sound too bad, so I prepared and ate it.

Bloody hell it was HOT! Me toungue's still burning and I dread to go to the toilet...I'm sure I'll suffer 'spontaneous arse combustion' when I do.

In Australia people'll wake up in the middle of the night from an eerie scream...well that'll be me arse on fire.

Bombay blokes aren't that bad.

-- Post From My iPhone...Blogging on the go!!

Damned DVD

2009-05-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

DVD Player throws a fit

My life is full of mistakes. Like the time I had an argument with a tree because it took my parking space!!

So in hindsight, perhaps I should have left my dvd player well alone. But oh no, my manly macho pride wouldn't let me.

I mean so what if the player skipped the dvds or played them when it felt like it? At least I got to enjoy parts of the movies, didn't I! I decided to open it up and check to see what the problem was. The fact that I know less about electronics then the common 'house fly' didn't stop me. I mean how hard could it be...

So I opened it up and had a good look around the innards, and just to feel good I poked my finger here and there. And becasue I was feeling very manly, I decided to use my soon-to-be exe's perfume on a cotton bud to clean the lens before putting it back togather again. Hmm, that should do it.

Now it doesn't play the dvds at all!

STUPID manly macho pride.

"Spare a ciggy!"

2009-05-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

Spare cigarettes

I'm walking down the street, as-you-do, and a tramp/bum/undesirable/scourge-of-the-earth, (call him what you will) asks "got a spare fag?" So I look at him and reply "no mate, I'm gonna smoke 'em all".

I mean what's with that question? What, you're gonna smoke all your fags then look in the empty packet and find another one, and you're gonna think 'no I'm not gonna smoke that, cos that ones spare'?

Now now, don't judge me already. I'm not as tight as I make myself out-to-be. Trust me, I've given more money to charritable causes then I've spent on my own clothes. Er...I think.

Course, it has left me totally skint!

Public speaker...Not me. Test finale.

2009-05-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

Tested beyond death.

So they say that if you're afraid of speaking in public, that you should visualise the public in the nude. The theory is that this will calm you down and allow you to overcome the fear of speaking in public!

Now, I'm a nervous type of guy. Heck, I get nervous talking to my own reflection, let alone speaking infront of an audience. So, imagine my apprehension, when I'm told that my final big test will be a one-on-one verbal examination of my knowledge. I'm a gibbering ball of jelly me, my throats drier then the Sahara, and my hearts racing faster then Lewis Hamilton (er..on a good day, when he's not crashing).

I'm facing my examiner and it's all I can do to stop my knees buckling under me, when I decide to put the theory to the test.

First-of-all, it's not a good theory if your audience consists of a mass total of one person, and that other person is a guy (as am I).

So I'm picturing him naked, and it's defintely not working, cos he's got 'wood'!! Now I'm not only nervous, but I'm also shittin'-my-pants... I close my eyes and try to get the image of the naked examiner out of my brain, but it aint working, cos me brain's done the decent thing and legged it.

Everything becomes a blur, and the next thing I know, he's telling me I've past the exam. I may have got the job, but now I've also got issues, and nightmares and years of therapy to look forward to.

All because of that bloody theory!

Tests, tests and even more tests.

2009-04-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Testing me to death

So you know I've recently started a new a job? Well it's making me wish I hadn't. Cos for the past two weeks I've been sitting one test after another...I mean what's the matter, either tell me I'm too dumb or give me the job already, eh!

Why put me through all this unwanted stress? I thought I'd completed my education some time back, so let me live already.

Bloody Hell, I've got a test on Monday, Wednesday and the big one on Friday. I wouldn't mind, except the rule books I've gotta learn put me to sleep faster then a bullet to the head.

It's not good.

Awarded an Award

2009-04-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

BLOG!!!!

There's as many reasons for blogging as there are stars in the sky...okay maybe not that many.

Let's just say there are reasons. And we all have our own expectations from blogging. Desires even. Things that we want to achieve. Some blog because they like 'Repetitve wrist strain', some like the 'finger pain' (also known as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (CTS), perhaps you like back pain, blurry vision, neck pain, TOS (no, not as in self-pleasure, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome)...er..

...Anyway reasons. None of them are, however, mine.

My blogging stems from the old saying "A problem shared is a problem halved". Now I don't hold much faith in the 'adage', cos people don't just give you money (hey, ask my bank manager if you don't believe me).

So the theory goes that you share your problem with somebody and 'voila' it's halved, so, by that logic if I share it with four people, my problem will be quartered! With me so far? Good. So the more people that you share your problem with the smaller and smaller and smaller it becomes, until eventualy it becomes soo small that it's virtually non-exitant. And there you have it, I share my problems with the world and get rid of them...my problems, that is.

Simple. Hey I'm a simple sort of guy. Except, now I have another problem. The world...it don't wanna know me! Hey, look at the number of followers I've got. On top of that, the bloody 'adage' don't work!! And My problems are growing!!!

But somebody likes my silly blogs, so much so that they've given me an award, and I'd like to thank my mum...for being there, my dad, the neighbour...the guy who always pisses on our flowerbeds on Friday nights.

No seriously, Christine, I Thank You for the award, and for the time you take to read my blogs. People like you, who spread a few smiles through the Web make losers like myself feel really appreciated.

Christine's blogs are always entertaining and enlightening. Here is a link to her blogs and the award page.

CHRISTINE'S BLOG
THE AWARD

I know, I've probably messed this up and shredded the 'award code' but I'm a newbie, and probably will always be.

Damn Computer

2009-04-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

Computer does a whammy.

So you're working away on your next blog post and your computer decides to throw a fit. 'I don't like what you're typing and I don't like you' it says 'I'm gonna crash just to pee all over your hard work' and then crashes.

Bugger!

Almost two weeks of coaxing, sweet-talking, stroking, swearing and threatening it, has no effect! I've operated on it's innards and changed it's arteries. I've made calls to India to get the techies to help, but they keep you waiting. Don't they bloody realise it costs money?

Anyway here I am, and it seems to be working. I think that placing a 6lb sledgehammer right infront of the monitor, where it can see it, is what did the trick.

That's me explanation for being away for sooo long.

Kids Eat My Money

2009-04-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Kids Must Be Fed....to the Lions

You know what it's like, the kids help you do the garden, so you think to take them out to dinner, you know, just to say thanks.

Being kids, you think they'll want McDonalds. Nice, five pounds a head, so it shouldn't cost too much.

Not these kids. Oh no, they wan't to be taken to a restaurant! Eh!! They can't even spell 'restaurant' let alone know what it is!

Okay, I did promise them. Besides, how much can they eat? Shouldn't be too expensive.

Turns out I was in for a shock. They stayed hungry all day, and decided to eat me into bankruptcy.

£120, was the bill. £120!! For kids. I should've insisted on McDonalds. The blighters.

And they didn't even do a good job with the garden.

Spot 'o' Bother

2009-04-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

Spot Heaven

You know what it's like. You've spent the last five days with your face covered in one cream or another. You've used spot creams and all sorts of 'mud masks', all because you wanna get rid of that one annoying spot that refuses to shrink and die. Last night you look in the mirror and jump with joy cos it's finaly gone.

You go to bed feeling great. You're gonna go out tomorrow and find that soul-mate of yours, cos your face is now clear and women would actually look at you instead of just throwing up on your nice clean shirt. That you washed just last month!

But, you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror.

NNNNOOOOOO. The friggin' spot's back. And this time he's brought his bleedin' girlfriend with him. Not only that, they've brought friends.

This can't be happening! It's like they're having an orgy on your face!!

Ear Ear

2009-03-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

My ears are dry and flaky!

They've been like that for the past few days.

I know I know, moisturize them. I have. And not with the cheap stuff too. Loreal because 'my ears are worth it'. But they're not having it! It's a 24 hour hydrating lotion but an hour after I apply it, they're dry and flaky again! What's with that? It's like my ears are saying 'sod off mate, we like being dry and flaky'!!

It's not good.

What if I'm with a hot sexy chick in a darkened bar, she's playing with me ear and half-me-ear flakes off in her hand. Well she's not gonna think 'phwooaar, that's so sexy', is she now?

I know I know, the chances of my finding a hot, sexy, flaky-ear loving chick ain't gonna happen this side of hell freezin' over, but I can dream right. I mean, dreams lead to aspiration which leads to hope. I mean that's what gives us a purpose in life, right?

Well, my hope's been poked in the eye and kicked in the nuts by my jumbo flaky ears, that's what. I've lost me purpose I have.

My jumbo ears hate me.

Aaaarrrgghh, The sky is BURNING.

2009-03-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

The sky is burning. Run for your lives.

Oh, is that what I think it is? It can't be! I thought the sun was just an urban myth!!

What the hell! Did it get lost or something, cos it doesn't normally come out around these parts of the world!

Oh shit, Must get a tan, before it realises it's mistake and does a runner.

Need a tan. Need a tan. Burn me, burn me dammit.

Attack of the Flu Fairy

2009-03-21T03:57:00.000-07:00

Flu strikes again

You go to bed feeling great, but while you're asleep the Flu Fairy has come and slapped you a few hundred times, then spits in your face for good measure.

You wake up in the morning feeling like crap. As if just a headache wasn't enough you've got aches and pains through your pathetic body, sore throat, a raking cough and a nose running so much you'd think it was trying out for the olympics. You feel like a soggy sarnie but with even less energy.

So what do you do!

Call me a buffoon and tweek my nipples but all them 'Lemsip' type of drinks don't do anything for me. You know, if I wasn't so stupid I'd think they actually worsened my condition. I mean the only effect they have on me is make my nose run even more! It's not easy living with a nose that's always three feet ahead of you, but having it run like 'Niagra Falls' is taking the pi...biscuit.

Paracetamol just kills the headache but does little to ease the other symptoms. No, you need something with a bit more dedication. I use the nurses. That's 'Day Nurse' and 'Night Nurse'. They're not actual nurses who place compresses on my head and sooth my illness by rubbing oil on my naked body...errr...anyway, they're not. They're just over-the-counter tablets or liquid that you buy from any chemist.

The nurses work wonders for me. They stop me looking like a total pleb and allow me to carry on with my life with a little bit of dignity. Like all medicines you should read the instructions on the packet before taking it. So it's a good thing I'm not pregnant, cos if I was, flu would be the least of my problems.

You can't really cure colds and flu, so they say, but you can make them bearable. I feel like I've just been ten rounds with Mr Tyson and have survived with both of my ears still attached.

Disclaimer:
Sorry but I've gotta put this in, you know...just incase somebody does actually read this blog.

Always read the label on any medication, always consult your doctor if unsure. Keep medicines out of the reach of children. This blog is not exhaustive in listing the symptoms and remedies of flu.

The Wright Stuff

2009-03-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

So, I get a phonecall from my friend yesterday "wanna go and see The Wright Stuff, I got a coupla free tickets?"

Eh! What the heck is The Wright Stuff, i'm thinking. Is it a movie I ain't heard off yet, maybe it's a theatre show or something! "Course I do, I love The Wright Stuff" I tell her, "What time you wanna meet up?" Hey it gets me out of the house, and I'm experiencing new stuff. That's always good.

"Meet up at 745 at Padd on Thursday" she tells me excitedly.

"745, Padd, Thursday eve. I'll be there" I tell her and we hang up. Then I Google 'The Wright Stuff'. Ah heck, it's a topical debate show and we're gonna be in the audience. Okay, maybe it's funny like 'They think it's all over' or 'Have I got news for you'. Maybe I'll get to meet a famous celebrity and get an autograph! Yeah it might be fun after all.

This morning my mobile wakes me up, and as you do, you look at what time it is. It's 0750. Nonononono, I'm sure it was for this evening, thoughts are laughing in my head. Who the hell has a debate show this early in the morning! Haven't people got a life? I'm sure they do...I read it somewhere! "Where are you?" she's asking "you're still asleep!" and hangs up.

Eh, well that was fun. Must do that again!!!

Michael Jackson

2009-03-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

So MJ's making a comeback. That's a good thing, right!

Yeah, he's suffered a string of bad publicity and has been the plaything for 'Misfortune & Bad luck'.

Yeah, he's done some Stupid things. Trust me the capital 'S' is justified, if for nothing else then simply for holding his baby out of the window with 'delayed thought'. I would've said 'without thought' but perhaps it did occur to him, and the reason why he suddenly pulled the baby to his breast and went back inside the building.

Yes, he's been accused of child abuse. But are we able to judge him based on what the media has published! Can we condemn him without first having established the truth! The accusers may have accused him, and the judicial system may have given their ruling, but is that 'Truth'?

I don't know.

If you want the truth, then you're looking in the wrong place. I don't have the truth. I don't know the truth.

But, we gotta admit, he's had a difficult life and has suffered greatly throughout. And we have to consider that those who accused him of abuse may have done so for his money! And, when he's paid off one person to stop from going to court and giving him bad publicity, another has cropped up with similar claims. Hell why not. He's paid off one person to prevent having to go to court, so what's to say he won't pay off the second accuser or the third and fourth. He's loaded, right, so he can afford it. He was an easy target and anyway, everybody knows he's a 'weirdo', what with his 'plastic melting noses' and sleeping in a 'hypebaric chamber'.

Google MJ and you'll get reams of info on him and you must judge for yourself what is the truth and what is not. We've all done stupid things in our lives. Things that make us cringe just thinking about them (oh, it's just me then), and are we not better because of the stupidity in our lives! Have these things not made us improve ourselves. Those who do not learn from their past are either mentally challenged or not amongst us anymore.

Michael Jackson aka 'King of pop' is a genius in my impaired eyes. And all great genii have a great flaw within them, which can be in any form, physical or mental. It may be natures way maintaining balance and harmony.

I know I like some of his songs so much that they stop me in my tracks (Dirty Diana). Welcome back MJ and good luck (oh, and stay away from kids. No, don't even look at them).

Disclaimer
This blog contains my personal views and i do not claim them to be factual, or even true. Within this blog was no intention of causing discomfort, harm, allegations or the condoning of any unethical and immoral actions or behaviour.

Bloomin' Car Woes

2009-02-26T09:59:00.001-08:00

You know what it's like, you get a few days off work and you think 'heck, I'll spend an hour sorting out this little problem, then I'll go and have fun'.

And so it was with me. Woke up really early today, about 1130ish (maybe midday...ish), and i thought, yeah I'll get the car sorted then go out with friends and chill. Only, 'Lady Luck' decides to kick you in the danglees and stamp on you while your writhing in pain, you know, just for good measure. So, I've spent the whole day going from one mechanic to another and finally got it sorted before she interferes again. Now I've still got no car and the day has already passed.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully, the 'Lady' will have been pushed aside by fate and my car would be working again.

It's gonna be a busy day.

iPhone blogging

2009-02-24T18:52:00.001-08:00

So I got myself an Iphone, so what does that make me!

A geek.

Whatever You think it might make, I'll tell you one thing it certainly does make me is mobile. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what the heck are you talking about!"

But let me explain.

I've had Sony's and I've had Nokia's (the N95 8GB) but none of those phones let me do everything I wanted to, on my mobile. Heck, I've got a computer in my hand and the world at my fingertips. I'm able to monitor ALL of my e-mail accounts and keep on top of them. I'm able to surf the web and purchase on the go. Course, I've gotta control myself cos impulse buying takes on a whole new meaning. There is so much you can do on the iPhone that I wonder what it's limits are.

The freedom the iPhone has given me is eons ahead of any other mobile phone manufacturer.

Yes, yes stop biting my head off and leaving angry comments, you can do most of these things on some of the newer phones from other manufacturers. But, do they have such a slick user interface that makes it a doddle to use, an interface with such grace that you want to keep carressing it with your fingertips (I'm still talking about the iPhone here, stay with me).

Everything is easy with iPhone.

However, nothing is perfect. No-matter how gorgeous a babe she might be, she will undoubtedly have a flaw (or, bad breath in my case). It's these imperfections that make us truly appreciate the good and understand the bad.

The beauty of the iPhone is also marred with such imperfections (trust me, I'm gagging here while writing bad about the iPhone).

Okay, three major flaws with the iPhone. I'm sure to suffer for breaking the iPhone code but here goes.

a. No Bluetooth, meaning you can't Bluetooth items from the iPhone to another device.

b. No MMS....yet, third party apps should soon rectify this if they haven't already done so. No you can't text those dodgy pictures of your mate totally rat-arsed on the iPhone.

c. You cannot forward texts that you've recieved from somebody. Meaning, that dodgy text you received asking you to forward it to ten people & you'll get really wealthy, well the only chance of you getting wealthy is if you marry a rich person. Cos that message ain't going further then your iPhone.

But it doesn't matter, because once you've used the iPhone you won't really wanna let go. Even with it's flaws.

The iPhone rocks (in my little world anyway).

Enjoy.

Sunshine

2009-02-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

Bloomin eck' the sun's decided it wants to come out and play. It's a beautiful Saturday with the sun shining brightly, and a fresh feel to the air.

What's my plans for such a day! Absolutely nothing. Stuck indoors sorting out my mail and wasting time on social networks! I know what you're thinking; what a TWERP!

And you're right. No denying that. So I've just texted my friends to see what we can come up with! Now I'm waiting for responses.

Hopefully, we'll get out of the house.

Headaches & Migraines

2009-02-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

A Migraine or a cow standing on my head?

I can usually tell when i'm about to suffer a migraine, but i'll be damned if did this time. Everything was normal, then BANG, I wake up in the morning with holes being drilled into my head. I've been attacked by the dreaded migraine fairy.

I know what you're thinking, 'perhaps it's not a migraine'! Hey pal, the symptoms are all there; pain on one side of the head, light sensitivity, heightened sense of smell, nauseaus!!

Yep, it's a migraine...unless it's a full moon out there and i've turned into a werewolf! A quick look in the mirror tells me I don't need extra shaving cream or blades. Well that's good, in a way.

So, a migraine it is. I do what i usually do, take two migraleve pink tablets, dive back under the duvet and cringe myself to semi-sleep. Hopefully, when I wake up in two hours, the pain'll be gone. Only it's still there, slightly dulled but yes the head still feels like it's being pecked by a woodpecker on steroids. It's a good thing i stocked up on tablets, cos it looks like i'll be using them up today.

This is not going to be a good day.